I just want to say something.
I’ve received a lot more messages because of all this than I ever expected to get. I read them all. If someone is going to spend the time and effort to say something to me, a complete stranger, then the very least I can do is give up a minute or two of my time to hear them out.
I’ve heard almost everything. Hate. Help. Stories. Preaching. People looking for advice. People giving it.
But this last one, it’s sticking with me. Maybe it’s the timing, or maybe it’s just the words themselves. But it’s sticking with me.
Someone else who has gone through this, because if I have learned nothing else from all this, I’ve learned that I’m not alone. And neither are you.
But this person, this anonymous person, they struck a chord with me. I thought I had heard it all before, all the pleas for me to stop, the reasons why I should. None of them have swayed my stubborn mind.
Maybe she (I assume she, because of the parting name) has taken the time to figure out what words would get through my thick skull, or maybe she can just relate more so than I thought anyone could. Regardless, she did.
See, I have a lot of issues, far beyond just the diabulimia. I’m insecure, I self-harm, I battle depression, I struggle with suicide.
But she made me realize something. I don’t want to die, not this way, not like this. I’m unhappy with my life, that’s for sure, but maybe turning to diabulimia isn’t my solution; it’s part of the problem. My life is miserable because that’s how I’m making it.
I can change. I have the power to change. I want to change.
So thank you, for anonymously telling your story and speaking my twisted language in a way that I could actually take to heart. Because I don’t want to keep doing this. I want to be happy, and I think the first step towards that wondrous concept is taking care of myself.
I’m not going to find happiness in skipped insulin or being deathly thin. I’m not entirely sure where I’ll find happiness or satisfaction, but I at least know that I wont find it here.
So today I’m going to start a new chapter, a new challenge: taking my insulin, keeping myself healthy. Today I’m going to start living again.
Well, I’m going to fight like hell to try.