January 2013
1 post
3 tags
Anonymous
I just want to say something.
I’ve received a lot more messages because of all this than I ever expected to get. I read them all. If someone is going to spend the time and effort to say something to me, a complete stranger, then the very least I can do is give up a minute or two of my time to hear them out.
I’ve heard almost everything. Hate. Help. Stories. Preaching. People looking...
December 2012
1 post
4 tags
130 lbs.
I look in the mirror and I’m starting to like what I see.
A flat stomach, arms that don’t jiggle, no double chin. My body has shrunk to a much better size.
But I can’t stop. If I go back to taking my insulin, taking care of myself, I’m afraid the weight will simply creep back on. Slowly but surely, an unstoppable force.
Yet, I look in the mirror and I see the damage.
...
October 2012
2 posts
4 tags
135 lbs.
I don’t want to stop. I want to go further, push this even more.
I want to waste away until there’s nothing left. Become so small that I actually disappear.
No one sees how sick am; they just praise how good I luck when I’m losing weight. They don’t see that their encouragement is feeding the beast. They don’t see that their words are making it more apparent that...
5 tags
137 lbs.
I’m tired. So tired, all the time. When I’m awake, all I want to do is crawl into bed, and once I’m in bed I never want to leave.
I don’t have the energy to deal with life. It’s taking all of the little energy I have just to keep up this facade of being fine so that no one realizes what’s actually going on with me.
My friends, they don’t understand...
September 2012
5 posts
5 tags
138 lbs.
It’s hard for me to believe that anyone finds me attractive, because I see myself everyday and I have yet to find anything that would lead me to the conclusion that I’m attractive. It’s absurd.
Yet some people seem to believe it. Like now; there’s this boy. He’s a genuinely nice guy, and funny and sweet and cute. He says he likes me, and he’s done a good job of...
4 tags
“I’m not going to kill myself. But I’m sure as hell not going to save...”
– A friend confronted me today, because he noticed that I’ve been acting off lately. He was concerned. I tried to explain that he shouldn’t waste his time worrying about a lost cause.
3 tags
139 lbs.
Some of my friends started a ‘no-carb’ diet this summer, and they’re still on it. It’s all they’ll talk about it seems. And I just sit there quietly while they go on and on about losing weight.
At least, I sit there quietly for as long as I can. Because this last time, I got sick of it and told them that if they hate their diet so much, why not quit or find a better...
3 tags
this song. Unrelated but relevant to my life...
3 tags
Anonymous asked: 'I’m still planning on being diabulimic'. You don't plan on having an eating disorder, which is what real diabulimia is. And you certainly can't plan when you have it and when you don't, you can't put an eating disorder on hold when it gets a little rough. I don't mean this to sound like hate, but as a person who has been struggling with diabulimia for the...
August 2012
1 post
4 tags
143 lbs.
It’s been a while. It’s been a whole year and then some since this all started. So much has happened since I began, so much has changed and yet, I feel like I’m stuck in the same place.
I’m not taking my insulin, but it’s not even an active habit, I’ve just stopped caring. I no longer bolus. I’ve kept my basal rates the same so that I don’t get too...
April 2012
1 post
3 tags
156 lbs.
Thus far, I’ve managed to not gain back all the weight I lost. Though to be fair, I’m still not exactly taking care of my diabetes. I still frequently forget to bolus or just skip meals altogether. It’s just that now I’m not actively doing it on purpose. It’s more that it’s become a habit to ignore diabetes completely and I haven’t adjusted away from that...
March 2012
1 post
5 tags
13.2
So I just had my A1c done, and I got a 13.2…not exactly something I’m proud of, even though it was expected.
I mean, I knew that I’ve really been ruining my blood sugars but I guess getting that terrible of a number back might be the push that I needed to remind me that diabulimia is a long term thing, not just something I can abuse without serious consequences.
So I’m...
February 2012
4 posts
4 tags
Smile
“Men only like skinny girls because they’re too weak to argue and salads are cheap.”
-A great friend
Some friends are great at cheering a girl up.
3 tags
Finals week.
I changed my basal rates again.
This time, back to what they should be. This morning I also bolused for the first time in what feels like and eternity.
I can’t handle studying, finals, stress, and diabulimia at the same time. Plus I’m going home for a week after this, so I’m going back to taking care of diabetes. At least temporarily and maybe permanently.
I just can’t...
5 tags
155 lbs.
I kind of feel like I’ve hit a wall.
My blood sugars are still high nearly all the time, but I’m barely losing weight. I think I might have to decrease my basal rates pretty soon if I don’t see results.
I’m not too keen on the idea of feeling even more sick, but then again, so far it really hasn’t been too bad. I mean, I’m always tired and a bit out of breath,...
5 tags
157 lbs.
I’m definitely struggling.
I feel so sick all the time. I just want to lie in bed and sleep, just do nothing. I don’t want to go to class, interact with people, even move, and least of all consume more sugar.
I’m forcing myself to eat enough sugar to keep my levels high enough, but it’s the last thing I want to do. But I know that when I don’t eat sugar, my blood...
January 2012
6 posts
Anonymous asked: Hey, we seem to be on the same page, and I have no one else to talk to about this because no one understands. I was recently diagnosed as a type one, as in one year ago pretty much. I was doing fine in the beginning, but then I started to gain weight, and I was at my heaviest which wasn't obese or anything but yeah you know what I mean probably. Then I discovered that missing insulin...
159 lbs.
It’s been a rough week.
I’ve been sick constantly. Nothing super serious, but a really bad head cold. I feel miserable most of the time. I’m always exhausted.
The diabulimia is only adding to the sickness.
I’m back on hardcore antibiotics, because the infection that hospitalized me in August has started to come back. So they make me feel even more exhausted...
5 tags
Misconception.
I hate when people just have no idea what diabetes actually means. Or they don’t realize that type 1 and type 2 are very different things.
It’s just so frustrating dealing with other people’s ignorance about the whole thing. I mean, I can’t really blame them, because why should they know anything?
To be fair, I had no idea what it meant to be diabetic until I was one.
So...
4 tags
Easy.
Anyone who thinks diabulimia is easy, is entirely wrong.
It’s incredibly difficult. Perhaps it is an ‘easy’ way to lose weight on paper, but the reality is vastly different.
Aside from just the nasty complications of being in a constant state of DKA, even the logistics are rather difficult.
I mean, you have to keep your sugars high enough at all times so that you force...
4 tags
163 lbs.
I tested my blood sugar. Twice.
Both times it was in the 300s, but at least I finally tested my sugar again.
I still haven’t bolused, but at least if I’m going to be reckless with my diabetes then I’ll try to do so as carefully as possible. I’m starting to monitor my sugar more closely, to keep myself away from danger.
And so I can more efficiently tweak my rates and...
4 tags
166 lbs.
I definitely gained back some of the weight I had lost this summer, though not completely. So I still count it as a win. Well, as far as the scale goes anyways.
I’ve kind of half-assedly gone back to the diabulimia. I don’t bolus anymore, but I’ve kept my basal rates at the level they should be. I’ve basically just completely ignored the fact that I’m diabetic,...
October 2011
2 posts
Return.
I want to go back.
I’ll admit it right now. I want to go back to the diabulimia.
Sure, re-reading my own account of what it was like does bring back the memories of how miserable I felt, but the thought of being pretty…it’s so alluring.
I know that I can’t go through the same experience that I did this summer, not here, not now. And I don’t want to endure that...
4 tags
Healthy.
It’s been a long time.
I haven’t slipped back into diabulimia since this summer. But I also haven’t exactly been taking care of things.
I forget to check my sugar, I skip boluses on accident. I over-correct later and dive into hypoglycemia. It’s bad. I know it’s irresponsible but for me, diabetes is just not a top priority.
I get that it’s my health, my...
September 2011
4 posts
Anonymous asked: I am SO glad that your doing better and getting rid of the diabulima. There is this new person on tumblr who's basically doing the same thing you are, and I was just wondering, how long did you keep this up? Maybe you could give her some advice?
daytime-dreamers asked: I am so glad you're back and alive!! I was so worried when you stop posting that your diabulimia had killed you. I'm also really happy that you've stopped :) There's a new diabulimic girl that everyone's worrying about now, I've talked to her a bit and she told me she got the idea to start from your blog :\
Anonymous asked: Where do you go to college?
4 tags
154 lbs
Sorry it’s been so long.
Things got a little crazy for a while.
See, I got really sick. Beyond the diabulimia. I got an intense infection that caused me to have a bunch of abscesses that grew to the size of tennis balls.
I couldn’t deal with both illnesses at once so I made the choice to stop with the diabulimia since I could actually prevent that one from affecting me anymore.
...
July 2011
7 posts
Anonymous asked: How can you tell people not do this diabulimia thing and still do it yourself?
5 tags
160 lbs
So this is turning out to be a really bad idea.
I thought I had a handle on it. You know, keeping my blood sugars high but low enough to still function normally.
But the other night it got out of hand. I’ve spent the last two nights vomiting which I know is a pretty bad sign. So I think it’s time I lay off for a while.
I’m dialing up my basal, but still no boluses. Now instead of running in...
5 tags
164 lbs
It’s definitely working. I’ve managed to keep my sugars above 400 at all times, and the weight is really coming off. I’ve lowered my basal rate to 0.3 units and zero boluses.
Now, while this is an extremely effective way to lose weight, I DO NOT recommend this to anyone. I’ll be honest here, I feel awful.
My head feels like it’s about to explode; it’s making...
3 tags
jamesxvx-deactivated20110806 asked: I hope you go into a coma from DKA. You have a terrible outlook on yourself, and I'm sure you deserve to feel like shit. I don't know why you think that's a good idea, but you obviously aren't the smartest.
4 tags
169 lbs
I finally got under the 170 mark, I’m so happy.
But I will admit, this ol’ plan of mine is kind of a total bitch. I slipped back a few times, and I think that’s why the weight loss isn’t coming along as quickly. Because I was running in the 500-600 blood sugar range, and it made me feel AWFUL. So I broke down a little and let it drop to the 300-400 range. I know...
3 tags
172 lbs
Right. So three days and I’ve lost 6 lbs. I’d say that’s a pretty damn good rate.
Granted, I’ve felt miserable since I started my diabulemia (that’s diabetes lingo for not taking our meds in order to lose weight). Terrible headaches, nausea, exhaustion, and just feeling very heavy. Like, when I walk or even just sit, the world feels so heavy, like the air has the consistency of water. Even...
4 tags
178 lbs
Alright, so here’s the deal, I’m tired of being overweight. Well scratch that, I’m sick of being fat. Let’s face it, it sucks. And no, I’m not some annoying girl who’s 5’11” and wants to weight 100 lbs. I’m 5’1” and 180, not exactly an attractive combination.
But please, no lectures on self-image or whatever the hell else you want to spout out in the form of judgement. I’m very happy with the...
