157 lbs.

I’m definitely struggling.

I feel so sick all the time. I just want to lie in bed and sleep, just do nothing. I don’t want to go to class, interact with people, even move, and least of all consume more sugar.

I’m forcing myself to eat enough sugar to keep my levels high enough, but it’s the last thing I want to do. But I know that when I don’t eat sugar, my blood sugar drops too low and I won’t lose the weight. It just feels nearly impossible to find a balance.

I’ve mostly been resorting to just drinking lots of sugary drinks. I figure, if I can’t bring myself to eat anything, then I can at least drink excessive amounts of juice. I don’t even struggle taking down liquid sugar, because I’m always so thirsty anyways. My only problem is that then I tend to feel very sick after downing four glasses of apple juice in the morning. Yesterday it got so bad I had to skip my morning classes because I was throwing up. It got to the point where I felt nauseous every time I so much as moved, and even breathing too deeply made my stomach churn.

This is turning out to be very unpleasant. And I can’t afford to keep missing class because of this. I have finals at the end of February and I don’t know how I’m going to manage passing them while also feeling like death because of this diabulimia.

Logically, I know I should just stop right now. Get myself back on track and get healthy. But I don’t want to, at least not more than I want to lose weight.

Or maybe I honestly can’t just stop. This whole time, I’ve thought of diabulimia as being under my control; a switch that I can flip on or off and be done with. That’s just how I need to think of things though. If I let myself believe that it’s not under my control, I’d probably freak out and lose it.

I come from a very black-and-white way of thinking. I’m of an engineering and science mindset where things are clear-cut. So I have to think of the diabulmia as black or white, on or off. Something I can simply choose to change and then be done with it. I need that control, even if it’s only an imagined control. That’s just how I think.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up before I need to get healthy again, but I guess I’ll just have to wait it out and see what the breaking point is actually going to be.