I’m sorry you feel that way. Or rather, I’m sorry that I came across that way. I don’t mean to be offensive or ignorant, I’m just trying to explain how I feel the best I can, and perhaps I don’t always choose the right words.
I think that in the beginning, I thought that I really and truly could turn it on and off, go from skipping insulin back to a good little diabetic at the flip of a coin. I think I had to believe that there was a turning back, and easy way out, than that was the only way I could reason with myself to ever experiment with it in the first place. I was young, naive, and very very uneducated.
To be fair though, there are very limited sources on this topic and so I had no real idea what I was getting myself into until it was too late. Now, after a year of not being able to stop for more than a day or two here and there, I’m starting to realize that I can’t stop. Or at least, I can’t just chose to up and quit. It’s become a part of who I am, and integral part of my very being. Without it, I’m not sure who I would be. And then there’s the vanity that is oh-so-alluring. It’s hard to reason even trying to stop when People have been complimenting me on how much weight I’ve lost over the summer. It’s intoxicating.
But even past that, I don’t know how to feel healthy. I don’t want to. I hate the crippling sickness, the muscle aches, the headaches that seem constantly present, but I’d be lost without them. In a sick way, they feel comfortable, familiar, like home. And I’m scared to abandon them and feel something new and unknown. I’m scared of even trying to get better, when sinking further and further into this just seems so much easier.
And then there’s the part of me who’s enjoying it. Or at least, thinks I deserve it. I deserve to be sick, to feel like hell. I don’t deserve happiness, I deserve this hell that I’ve brought upon myself. I’m trying to find an out from this life I’m leading, and the diabulimia feels like the perfect companion for my journey out.
I know that I shouldn’t say or feel these things, but what’s the point in lying? Maybe it is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ or ‘sick’, I don’t know, but I am certain that it’s honest.