Get Pretty Or Die Trying

I kind of feel like I’ve hit a wall.

My blood sugars are still high nearly all the time, but I’m barely losing weight. I think I might have to decrease my basal rates pretty soon if I don’t see results.

I’m not too keen on the idea of feeling even more sick, but then again, so far it really hasn’t been too bad. I mean, I’m always tired and a bit out of breath, but I don’t feel too overly terrible. It’s been manageable.

But I’m afraid that if I decrease my insulin I might cross that fine line of control and real danger.

But being thin…looking pretty…I can’t help but want that. I can see some results already. All of my jeans are loose on me and wont stay up without the help of a belt. I used to be a solid size 13, now I’m about a size 9. And when I turn in the mirror, for once my stomach doesn’t stick out so far. My boobs actually stick out farther than my gut, by quite a bit, despite the fact that I know my boobs have also shrunk. Which is a bit annoying when my strapless bra is now too big around to stay up.

But I’m still not satisfied. Yes, there’s been a huge improvement. I’ve lost about 20 lbs. But I still don’t fully like what I see in the mirror. I wouldn’t mind losing the gross flab of fat on my arms, or having my thunder thighs slim down as well. I also would love to lose the pot belly and have a smooth stomach for once. I wouldn’t mind if I still have a bit of a pudge, but not this much.

I’m happy with the weight I’ve lost so far, but I’m not done yet. I want to lose more. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

I’m definitely struggling.

I feel so sick all the time. I just want to lie in bed and sleep, just do nothing. I don’t want to go to class, interact with people, even move, and least of all consume more sugar.

I’m forcing myself to eat enough sugar to keep my levels high enough, but it’s the last thing I want to do. But I know that when I don’t eat sugar, my blood sugar drops too low and I won’t lose the weight. It just feels nearly impossible to find a balance.

I’ve mostly been resorting to just drinking lots of sugary drinks. I figure, if I can’t bring myself to eat anything, then I can at least drink excessive amounts of juice. I don’t even struggle taking down liquid sugar, because I’m always so thirsty anyways. My only problem is that then I tend to feel very sick after downing four glasses of apple juice in the morning. Yesterday it got so bad I had to skip my morning classes because I was throwing up. It got to the point where I felt nauseous every time I so much as moved, and even breathing too deeply made my stomach churn.

This is turning out to be very unpleasant. And I can’t afford to keep missing class because of this. I have finals at the end of February and I don’t know how I’m going to manage passing them while also feeling like death because of this diabulimia.

Logically, I know I should just stop right now. Get myself back on track and get healthy. But I don’t want to, at least not more than I want to lose weight.

Or maybe I honestly can’t just stop. This whole time, I’ve thought of diabulimia as being under my control; a switch that I can flip on or off and be done with. That’s just how I need to think of things though. If I let myself believe that it’s not under my control, I’d probably freak out and lose it.

I come from a very black-and-white way of thinking. I’m of an engineering and science mindset where things are clear-cut. So I have to think of the diabulmia as black or white, on or off. Something I can simply choose to change and then be done with it. I need that control, even if it’s only an imagined control. That’s just how I think.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up before I need to get healthy again, but I guess I’ll just have to wait it out and see what the breaking point is actually going to be.

I tested my blood sugar. Twice.

Both times it was in the 300s, but at least I finally tested my sugar again.

I still haven’t bolused, but at least if I’m going to be reckless with my diabetes then I’ll try to do so as carefully as possible. I’m starting to monitor my sugar more closely, to keep myself away from danger.

And so I can more efficiently tweak my rates and sugar intake to best maximize my results in a minimum time with minimum negative effects.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been far more drowsy, and I get headaches frequently. Plus I’ve been feeling a bit ill, but just head-cold stuff.

And I’m not sure the connection with diabetes or diabulimia, but I’ve been blacking out when I drink lately. I used to never do that, and now I’m drinking less if anything but yet I still manage to black out.

I mean, the other night I had three glasses of wine spread over four hours, yet I’m missing an hours’ worth of that night, and that was probably my most mild drinking episode lately.

Maybe I just can’t hold my alcohol well, but I thought that tolerance was supposed to increase over time, not decrease so much. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to be more careful there too.

But on the bright side, what I do remember of that night was rather pleasant. Although the matching hickies in the morning were a tad embarrassing. Ah well, as is life.

I just feel good about the diabulima, mentally anyways. My body is already feeling sub par, but I have a good feeling about this. Though I am wary about how this will effect my school work. Trying to focus on Thermodynamics or Mechanical Systems while having a pounding headache is not something that’s been easy thus far. But I’ll take it a day at a time.

My goal this time is to reach 140 lbs or less by the first week of March, because that week some friends and I are going to Toronto.

So it’s a month a half for me to get pretty, or die trying.

Only time will tell.

I definitely gained back some of the weight I had lost this summer, though not completely. So I still count it as a win. Well, as far as the scale goes anyways.

I’ve kind of half-assedly gone back to the diabulimia. I don’t bolus anymore, but I’ve kept my basal rates at the level they should be. I’ve basically just completely ignored the fact that I’m diabetic, except for switching sites for my pump every few days.

I don’t bolus. I don’t test my blood sugar. I don’t care.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I bolused and I don’t remember where the hell I even left my meter. I know, I know, it’s a terrible way to go, but it is what it is.

But I’ve also been trying to intake much less sugar, to sort of balance it out a bit. The hyperglycemia is high enough that it takes away my appetite so I don’t really eat much sugar and I’ve been trying to stick to healthier food choices in general. So I wouldn’t consider myself fully diabulimic again, but I’m definitely flirting with that line of distinction.

I’ve been losing a little bit of weight, but not much really. So I think I need to take a different route. I’m going to start actively watching what I eat and try to start being a better diabetic again. I’ll start with actually testing my blood sugars, and then try to find the motivation to start bolusing again.

But I still desperately want to lose more of this weight.

I’ll try the whole eat healthy and exercise thing, but I’m not going to completely let go of hyperglycemia. But I’m definitely going to tone it down, because I’m starting to see some warning signs.

I’ve been getting sick a lot lately. And I just got a nasty infection, which last time this started I ended up in the hospital because of it. So I just don’t think my already damaged immune system can handle much more of this.

So It’s less sugar, more testing, considering bolusing, and hopefully less weight.

We’ll see how this goes.

So this is turning out to be a really bad idea.

I thought I had a handle on it. You know, keeping my blood sugars high but low enough to still function normally.

But the other night it got out of hand. I’ve spent the last two nights vomiting which I know is a pretty bad sign. So I think it’s time I lay off for a while.

I’m dialing up my basal, but still no boluses. Now instead of running in the 500s and 600s I’m at a slightly safer 300-400 range. I know, I know, this is still not healthy, but it feels a whole lot better than the higher numbers.

Like, now I can actually walk up stairs without needing so sit down to catch my breath and let my heart rest. I also look slightly healthier and I think my skin is regaining a little bit of it’s usual color.

Although i still don’t exactly look pretty. I mean yeah, I’m still way overweight, but it’s more than that. I just look sick. The dark circles around my eyes are really prominent and my skin has been running a very pale yellow-ish color. Not to mention my hair seems to falling out more than is normal. Plus this immense stress is causing me to break out pretty bad. My face, my shoulders, my chest they’re all covered in acne that hasn’t been there in YEARS. I mean, this whole diabulimia thing is taking it’s toll me and it’s visible.

So again, I’m begging anyone who’s considering this, PLEASE don’t do it. I’m not going to cite all the medical complications or rattle off how irresponsible it is. Because you’ve heard it all before. I’m saying don’t do it because it won’t just have long term consequences, it’ll make you feel absolutely miserable throughout the process.

It’s all the small things that’ll build up. From the exhaustion, the headaches, the heart beating feverishly, intense pain, restlessness. Sleeping is nearly impossible because no matter what you do you’ll always be in extreme discomfort. I mean, we’ve all experienced that hyperglycemia but imagine if it’s not just a temporary thing. Imagine that it lasts for weeks and not just fleeting, but continuous as the symptoms never cease but only build upon each other and progressively get more intense.

It’s horrible.

But yes, I am losing weight. And yes, it’s fast but it’s not easy. That’s why I’m taking a few days off. I need some recovery days. That said, I know this is going to sound intensely hypocritical after just preaching about how horrible diabulimia is, I’m not quitting.

After a day or two of taking it easy, I’m going right back to it. I’m too stubborn not to see this through. It’s only like two more weeks and I’m going to finish what I began. Plus I’ll be the first to admit it, losing weight so quickly is addicting and I wouldn’t mind losing another 15-20 lbs before school starts.

The vomiting is the worst I’ve gotten so far and yeah it did rattle me, but it didn’t scare me enough to stop. I’m still planning on being diabulimic, that’s just on hiatus for short while. By the end of the week I’ll be back in the 500s, feeling like death but getting pretty.

And right now, to me, it’s worth it.

Cause you know, I’m sick of being fat. I’m sick of telling people that I diabetic and them having to question whether it’s type 1 or 2. It’s like, I fucking get it, I’m fat okay?? But really, I’m still a teenager and I may not be a size 2 but I’m not obese either. It’s just humiliating. I get that maybe it’s just people’s ignorance but it’s still not a fun feeling.

I am not type 2 okay. I’m type 1, because do you really think an eleven year old kid gets diagnosed as type 2 very often?

Well, I want to make sure there’s not even a question of what type I have.

I finally got under the 170 mark, I’m so happy.

But I will admit, this ol’ plan of mine is kind of a total bitch. I slipped back a few times, and I think that’s why the weight loss isn’t coming along as quickly. Because I was running in the 500-600 blood sugar range, and it made me feel AWFUL. So I broke down a little and let it drop to the 300-400 range. I know that’s still a pretty shoddy place to be, but it’s a lot more comfortable. However, it’s also a lot less effective.

So I’m thinking that I have two real ways to go about this:

Route A) Keep constant DKA but only stay in the 300-400 range. High enough to maintain DKA, but low enough that I won’t be curled up in bed all day, feeling like death. Still some headaches, and my head will be a little fuzzy, but all manageable. It’ll still cause permanent damage but less quickly than a higher range. However, this also means loosing weight less quickly, and thus keeping this plan up so a longer state of DKA. Also, it’s more likely that my blood sugar could drop enough to leave a state of DKA and that would set me back a bit.

Route B) Keep up a more severe DKA by staying in the 500-600 range. This will definitely keep up a constant DKA, but it also will make me feel horrible. Headaches that literally make me dizzy and make it difficult to focus on anything. Stomach pains, extreme thirst (=a lot of trips to the bathroom), exhaustion, and just feeling like every limb weights 100 lbs. It’s so tiring just to move. But, the weight will start dropping very rapidly, a least one or two pounds in a day. Granted, this is also going to cause some serious damage to my kidneys, my nerves, my eyes, and pretty much my everything. If I keep it up for about a month, I’ll definitely take several years off my life. But even just for now, it’s a pretty fine line between feeling awful and needing to go to the hospital. A lot of diabetics are diagnosed when their blood sugars are around this level because they feel so sick, and I’m trying to stay in this limbo of being sick enough to lose weight but not sick enough require a hospital visit.

And honestly, I’m gonna try my second option. Because, well, if I’m going to do something idiotic, I’m not gonna half-ass it. I go all in. Plus, I do kind of have a time limit on my diabulimia, and the second option is far more likely to adhere to said limit.

So for now, I’m going to cut my insulin down to a .6 unit basal rate all day (I’m on an insulin pump), and no bolus. I figure, if my sugar gets too high, I’ll just exercise more and start eating less sugar in general. Because ideally, I can just keep my sugar up through lack of insulin, while also cutting my calories as a whole and exercising more. That is, if I don’t feel too miserable for the latter.

Well, I guess I’ll see how this goes! Because I only have 33 more days!! (the last week of which is vacation…on an island…so I’ll be wearing a swimsuit…yikes)

Alright, so here’s the deal, I’m tired of being overweight. Well scratch that, I’m sick of being fat. Let’s face it, it sucks. And no, I’m not some annoying girl who’s 5’11” and wants to weight 100 lbs. I’m 5’1” and 180, not exactly an attractive combination.

But please, no lectures on self-image or whatever the hell else you want to spout out in the form of judgement. I’m very happy with the person I am on the inside, I just want to portray that on the outside. And let’s be honest, I’m sick of being the chubby friend, or being passed over by the guy I like, or just feeling like crap about the way I look. I want to be able to look in the mirror and legitimately like what I see.

So I’m not setting some unrealistic goal for myself, and I’m going to be reasonable. I’m never going to be a size 0 and nor do I want to be. I’ll always have some meat on my bones but I don’t want to be a size 13 forever, I’d be pretty happy with a size 5 or 7 even.

Seems reasonable to me, but my plan might be where things get a little less smart. See, I’ve tried the whole diet and exercise thing, I really have. Worked out for 30 minutes every day and cut my foods down to 1500 calories a day but after a month of that I lost a grand total of 3 lbs. I know why it failed too, it’s because I’m diabetic.

(Side rant) For those of you not familiar with diabetes, as you probably are not, let me explain a few things. There are two kinds, type 1 and type 2. I have type 1; it’s genetic, and there’s nothing I could have done to prevent it and it’s incurable, so I’ll be diabetic forever. Then there’s type 2; it’s preventable. People get this kind because they’re old or obese. So to clarify, with my kind of diabetes I’m not diabetic because I’m fat, I’m fat because I’m diabetic. See, the drug I have to take for my diabetes has this annoying little side effect of causing weight gain. After I was first diagnosed and started taking the medicine I needed, I gained about 70 lbs; I was 11.

So getting back to my point. A small quirk about this however is that if I DON’T take my medicine, I’ll lose weight. For example, before I knew I was diabetic, and thus was not taking this medicine that I needed, I lost about 30 lbs. So if I sort of replicate that scenario I’ll again lose weight as a side effect of my blood sugars being way too high. Now, I’m not quitting my meds completely (because that would kill me), but I’m cutting the amounts to about half.

The way this actually works is that by not taking as much medication as I should, this will put me into DKA *google is a wonderful tool* and that causes the breakdown of fat cells. So basically my body won’t absorb any new calories and will just eat away at the ones stored. The downside to all this is that DKA also causes muscle tissue to breakdown, and that part of the process produces a toxin which can kill me in the short term, although unlikely. But in the long term, prolonged DKA will take a few years off my life down the road.

So I’ll sum this all up. To lose weight I need to be in a constant state of DKA, but if the DKA gets out of hand, it’ll kill me. It’ll be careful balance to be in DKA, and even if I can keep out of the hospital, there will be long-term effects that will lead to complications later in life. But it’ll make the weight practically disappear.

So I’m going for it. Hey, I’m 19, so I’m still a teenager and thus invincible. It’s July, I weight 178 and today I’m beginning. I hope to only go through this process for about a month and then be done with it. But I’m only going to stop if I A) get pretty or B) this kills me.

It may be a 1 in 20 chance that I die, but that’s still a 95% chance I get pretty.